{"id":4625,"date":"2020-11-25T18:18:39","date_gmt":"2020-11-25T18:18:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=4625"},"modified":"2020-11-25T18:18:39","modified_gmt":"2020-11-25T18:18:39","slug":"what-are-the-clear-signs-of-psychological-abuse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/what-are-the-clear-signs-of-psychological-abuse\/","title":{"rendered":"What are the clear signs of psychological abuse?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The word «abuse» appeared in the dictionary not so long ago, although the phenomenon itself has likely been around forever. Abuse is psychological and\/or physical violence, i.e. a situation in which one person is the aggressor (abuser) and the other is the victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Abusive relationships slowly deteriorate and cause huge damage. The abuser manipulates their partner, reveling in the power that they have over them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most people who end up in abusive relationships from the very start can\u2019t really imagine that such a thing could happen to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

«Nobody could\u2019ve predicted this!» claim those who have to eventually flee the tyrant and despot. «It all began so beautifully…»<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Beautifully? Let’s take a look.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

«When he first started taking care of me, it was wonderful! He was so, you know, courageous, charming, determined\u2026 He\u2019d say, \u2018She\u2019s mine, no questions asked!\u2019 and I was just head over heels for that,\u201d <\/em>Irene said. \u201cOnce, he outright stole me from work, can you imagine? I had to stay late, my colleagues and I were working on a new project, and I called Brad to reschedule our date. And then he just showed up! I went out to see him, and he literally carried me away. My coworkers\u2019 jaws dropped. One day we left a restaurant, it was raining and there was so much dirt in front of the entrance, and you wouldn’t believe it \u2013 like a hussar from a movie, he took off his jacket and threw it under my feet so that I wouldn\u2019t step in the dirt. What an amazing gesture! Brad gave me expensive earrings on our second date; it was very impressive. In fact, he didn\u2019t notice that my ears weren\u2019t pierced, and upon realizing it, he got so angry at himself for being so inattentive. That same day he took me to a cosmetologist! I wasn’t actually planning on piercing my ears, but I felt so bad saying no seeing as so much money had been spent on me. He took on starting a mutual e-mail account and one Facebook profile for us. That was so nice! Everything of ours \u2013 together, since after all, we are a couple… He surrounded me with attention and care around the clock \u2013 if I was working, he would send me a text every hour, asking how things were going, how I felt, what I was doing, who I was with \u2013 all of this interested him. One month later, he even started talking about a wedding and kids \u2013 I was so sure that I finally had my lucky ticket!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wasn\u2019t that a wonderful beginning? Now, let\u2019s take a closer look.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Irene still<\/em> sees \u201cbeautiful gestures\u201d, attentiveness, generosity, and care in Brad\u2019s behavior and now wonders, \u201cWhere did the rest come from?\u201d How can this be possible \u2013 no «bells», no warning?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There were indeed bells. And they were ringing \u2013 loudly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brad, from the very beginning, infringed on Irene’s borders mercilessly, made her adjust to him, controlled her, dictated what he wanted (to steal her from work without caring that she had other plans). He gave her earrings to make an impression, and when he finally realized that he was not quite there yet, he got angry. But not at himself, as Irina naively thought. He manipulated her into piercing her ears for everything to work out like he had planned. Frequent texts \u2013 control, a mutual e-mail account \u2013 control (regardless of who\u2019s writing you and what you\u2019re receiving!). And finally, «controlling the mind» with the idea of weddings and children \u2013 the \u201cdream of many women that he is so serious about\u201d. You bet he\u2019s serious about that, for now, while she\u2019s still at his beck and call.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then they moved in together and started planning the wedding. Here, Brad «unexpectedly» changed. The beautiful gestures disappeared, although, no, they were still around when they visited others. When other people were around he was most charming and generous, however when they were one on one, this was no longer the case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Irene talked about all these changes through tears, «He never shouted at me, nothing like that. He just seemed a little cold and distant… but that’s normal, right? I mean, he’s a man.  What more, he told me a thousand times, without raising his voice, that if I’m sitting at home, I shouldn’t be cranky and I should do what he says. He insisted that I quit my job, that he\u2019s earning enough, and that I’d be better off at home. If I tell him that something\u2019s off and I want to go back to work, he tells me not to bother him with my whining. And when I cried and shouted at him for the first time, he said that he never shouted at me and that I’m hysterical. And he slapped me. Then he said he just did it to help me, and that he had no choice: a slap on the cheek helps one get back to their senses…»<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everything that Irene hadn\u2019t expected was already evident at the very start, just a little bit\u2026 hidden. As a relationship develops, the heightened emotionality of these sorts of people turns into impermanence; coldness and restraint conceal their low emotional intelligence and lack of empathy \u2013 compassion, when a person does not feel and understand other people’s emotions. And he generally doesn\u2019t give himself much trouble over it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The abuser enchants and lures their prey in with generosity, care, attention, sedates with their vigilance, and creates an attachment to them, as well as instilling the feeling that you owe them something. Various displays in the form of insane gestures, generosity, gifts \u2013 and also easily fits into this picture, because an abuser knows how to make an impression like no one else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pauline met with Michael, and it seemed that nothing could\u2019ve been foretold there either. He appeared only «a little» jealous, but this jealousy even flattered Pauline. «How scared he is to lose me!» she would think, after calling a girl friend of his, which made him suspicious. Then, «suddenly», this jealousy began to gain momentum, and Pauline tried to break off the relationship. They didn\u2019t see each other for a while, but then met up again. Michael came to get her by car, locked the doors, and said that he would not let her out until she agreed to marry him at the registry office right now. Pauline was tense and, of course, she refused. Then Michael started the car and threatened to speed up and crash into a building so that they would die together, because he wouldn’t let her be with anyone else. That’s one method of not letting anyone else have you!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pauline was shocked by this turn of events. Michael was so nice, so attentive, and suddenly this! However, Michael had already shown that he would treat the girl like property, checking her calls, and even so, he was still kind of a stranger \u2013 they didn\u2019t live together, lived separate lives, and had only just met. But Pauline had thought that it was all amusing, passionately romantic, and had even enjoyed it\u2026 until she was threatened with crashing into a building, of course.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are so many similar stories that just one article won\u2019t be able to sum them all up. Let’s go over those factors once again, some of which may be an obvious flashing arrow pointing directly towards the land of … no, unfortunately, not la-la land, but the land of manipulation and psychological abuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Rapid immersion.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You haven’t had the time to get your sea legs yet, and you’re already deep in the relationship. Gifts, attention, plans together\u2026 a sudden, serious relationship. \u201cIt happens,\u201d you might think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. He doesn’t speak well of his exes.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s not okay to be negative about your exes, in and of itself. Sometimes breakups can be complicated, tense, and ugly, and partners can be different. However, if you regularly hear about how terrible they are (stupid, slutty, a bad housewife\u2026), you should probably pay attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Devaluation.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

At first it doesn’t seem bad. «Did you write this article? What could you have possibly even written, silly?», «Honey, what are those pants? Look at yourself! You can\u2019t wear that,» «You got a promotion? Your boss is probably expecting something from you», «Knitting? What? You’re not an old woman! Find another hobby, one that\u2019s more prestigious.» Your desires, hobbies, needs, or life principles don\u2019t exist for an abuser. It doesn’t matter what you think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Invalidation<\/strong>  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The abuser slowly but surely lowers your self-esteem. Most of the time, this doesn\u2019t happen right away, but it always ends up coming. «You know you’re a fatty, you should work on yourself \u2013 you need it!» «Your breasts could be bigger, you know…» «You can’t achieve anything at work, just stay home.» «What kind of an artist even are you? Just stop \u2013 anyone can whip up a picture.\u201d You begin to slowly agree with them. You begin to think that they\u2019re right and you really do need to lose weight, you really do need to make your breasts bigger which, in principle, is possible, and you genuinely aren\u2019t getting anywhere at work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Judging your social circle.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This usually comes later, too. «Your friends are stupid, your mother is mooching money off of you, your brother is a loser\u2026 colleagues are for working with, not for hanging out with, and yours are all dumb.» His goal is to push you out of the world, isolate you from society, manipulate all your attention, and this all starts immediately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. Jealousy and control.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This comes out at the very start, and you\u2019ll notice it immediately if you don\u2019t buy into how \u201cfunny\u201d and \u201ccute\u201d it is, or how \u201che\u2019s just afraid to lose me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is how it might look:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— \u201cWho were you just talking to?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— \u201cWhy is a colleague calling you when you\u2019re at home?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— \u201cCan I read your messages?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— \u201cLet\u2019s share a single account; why do you need a separate account?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— \u201cDon’t wear that skirt to work. It’s too short.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— \u201cWhat took you so long? It takes you 18 minutes to come back from work, and you got here in 21.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— Constant calls, even when you’re busy at work and you\u2019ve made that very clear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— Showing up at random (\u201cI missed you, that\u2019s all!\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. It\u2019s never their fault.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In any situation, you\u2019re the only one at fault. Well, sometimes the circumstances<\/em> are at fault too. But more often than not, it’s you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

8. The showman.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In front of others, he can blossom out and show all the different angles of his amazing charisma. All of his friends are jealous, «What a guy!» However, in private, most of this charm just up and disappears somewhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

9. Sex «On Demand\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, he’s unlikely to be physically abusive at first, or else you’ll run away after smelling that something\u2019s wrong. But whether you\u2019re tired or not, he’ll talk you into it, and he’ll talk you into it, and he’ll talk you into it, and he’ll put his hands on you in hopes that you give up, and he’ll talk you into it again. He might also even take offense. For him, rejection doesn\u2019t exist and certainly not from you. For an abuser, a woman is an object made to satisfy their desires. For him, if he wants<\/em> to then that\u2019s more than enough reason.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

10. Ignoring requests.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You say, «Please stop,» and he doesn’t stop. You say you’re upset when he does something, and he says you’re overreacting and everything is actually okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

11. Fixation on gender roles<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

«A woman must…», «A woman’s place is…», \u201cWomen are…\u201d \u2013 any characterization can go here. Don\u2019t keep your hopes up thinking that he means other women, no, he means you<\/em> first and foremost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you like him a lot but you see this, or at least a part of it at the start, think it over and analyze the facts. It’s worth letting go of your emotions and leaving the decision-making to your core \u2013 to your logic. Unreasonable jealousy is a bad sign; it\u2019s not «nice». Restricting the people you get in touch with is disturbing, and not him \u201ccaring\u201d about you. If you try to avoid taking wishful thinking for what is real, there\u2019s a chance you\u2019ll see this unsightly perspective well before<\/em> you dive on in.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The word «abuse» appeared in the dictionary not so long ago, although the phenomenon itself has likely been around forever. Abuse is psychological and\/or physical violence, i.e. a situation in which one person is the aggressor (abuser) and the other is the victim. Abusive relationships slowly deteriorate and cause huge damage. The abuser manipulates their… Read More »What are the clear signs of psychological abuse?<\/span><\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4630,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[21,54,334,395,526,760],"class_list":["post-4625","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-health","tag-abuse","tag-aggression","tag-courage","tag-depreciation","tag-ex","tag-jealousy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4625","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4625"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4625\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4630"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4625"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4625"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4625"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}