{"id":5155,"date":"2021-02-02T16:28:10","date_gmt":"2021-02-02T16:28:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=5155"},"modified":"2021-02-02T16:28:10","modified_gmt":"2021-02-02T16:28:10","slug":"im-afraid-that-i-will-end-my-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/im-afraid-that-i-will-end-my-life\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m afraid that I will end my life"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u201cI really want you to help me deal with my problem. I had a very difficult childhood. My mother was beating me, and it wasn\u2019t just spanking. She would use her hands and her feet \u2013 once she broke my nose on the kitchen sink. My father would always defend me. He wouldn\u2019t let her hit me or yell at me, so she was doing it while he was away. Their relationship was very complicated, obviously. But towards me, my dad was always kind and loving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I was 7, he committed suicide. Since then I\u2019ve been having suicidal thoughts. What made it even worse is that my mother would always tell me that she wanted to have an abortion, that she tried different things to get rid of me, that I ruined her life, and if it weren\u2019t for me, her life would be completely different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had been going to a psychotherapist for over two years. I\u2019ve forgiven my mother and father (for a long time, I\u2019ve thought of his suicide as betrayal). But I\u2019ve not been able to get rid of my suicidal thoughts: even a small setback can bring them back. And after I was told that since my father committed suicide, so could I, I started worrying that I really can do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At this moment, I lost my source of income, and psychotherapy is too expensive for me. Therefore, I had to stop my sessions. But I would like to keep and improve my progress. So, I would like to ask you to help me deal with my thoughts and to show me how to move forward so that I wouldn\u2019t end my life like my father.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hello!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am so sorry that your mother didn\u2019t find any other way of communication but violence. I feel your pain. After her words saying that her life would be better without you, she cannot no longer be called \u201ca mother\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A mother \u2013 is the person who is responsible for the child\u2019s life, for their wellbeing, for their health. Back in your childhood years, she already stopped being your mom. She is a strange person who is confused, and who is not aware of her actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, definitely, you need to work with a psychologist. Now you cannot afford that, but as soon as you can \u2013 you need to come back to psychotherapy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let me comment on your letter.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI really want you to help me deal with my problem. I had a very difficult childhood. My mother was beating me, and it wasn\u2019t just spanking. She would use her hands and her feet \u2013 once she broke my nose on the kitchen sink. My father would always defend me. He wouldn\u2019t let her hit me or yell at me, so she was doing it while he was away. Their relationship was very complicated, obviously. But towards me, my dad was always kind and loving.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is wonderful that your dad was loving and that he defended you. When one parent insults the child or otherwise acts abnormally, the other parent should support and defend the child, and figure out what is going on. In your case, even though your father passed away early, his role in your life was invaluable. If both of your parents were violent towards you and were supporting each other\u2019s aggression, it would have been much harder for you to endure all of this. You could have started seeing yourself as a disgusting person who deserves this kind of treatment. But your father opened another reality for you, and now you know that the issue was with your mother, not with you.<\/p>\n\n\n

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You can mentally talk to your dad and thank him for his love towards you, for his support and protection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then you have these tasks: to protect yourself, to get up on your feet, and to separate yourself from this horrible experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No child deserves the experience that you had. No matter what you did \u2013 you didn\u2019t deserve it. It is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility. Even if a child does something wrong (for example, stealing) \u2013 it is still not a justification for violence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your mother couldn\u2019t find another outlet for her anger, aggression, guilt, dissatisfaction with her life, etc. You happened to be there, and she took it out on you. Therefore, the healthiest approach is to work on your past (as much as you are ready, as much as you can), and learn to live \u201cfrom scratch\u201d, as if this experience didn\u2019t exist in your past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhen I was 7, he committed suicide. \u201c<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am very sorry that you had to experience that. This is a very difficult event.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSince then I\u2019ve been having suicidal thoughts.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suicidal thoughts are a sign that you need to visit a psychotherapist. You need to be certain that you deal with them. You cannot just let them be. Obviously, when you were 7, you had at minimum three reasons for such thoughts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n