{"id":5603,"date":"2021-04-24T17:22:25","date_gmt":"2021-04-24T17:22:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=5603"},"modified":"2021-04-24T17:22:25","modified_gmt":"2021-04-24T17:22:25","slug":"dear-therapist-life-after-infidelity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/dear-therapist-life-after-infidelity\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Therapist: «Life after infidelity"},"content":{"rendered":"
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«Hello! I’m 33 years old, married for 7 years, and I have two kids.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband is a foreigner. We live in his country. I don’t have an official job, I work freelance with Russia. Doing this with kids is quite problematic, so I don\u2019t actively seek customers. A job comes along \u2013 I never decline.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About three years ago, I found out about my husband’s affair. It probably never made it to the bedroom, but that\u2019s not so important. He swore to God it wouldn’t happen again. I believed it. When I got pregnant with my second child, I found out he wanted to get back together with the same lady. I went to Russia to think about it with the baby. I decided after all that it was better not to give birth in Russia (objectively, the conditions are better, the attitude is better, the birth went the way I wanted, and I\u2019m very glad that I gave birth here).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband visited a psychologist while we were in Russia, that is, he tried to work on himself. But he soon got into debt (he became a shopaholic) and he doesn\u2019t go for sessions anymore. He still buys various crap from time to time, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want to have sex with him. This is probably due to these experiences, or maybe even it\u2019s the hormones after childbirth and the fact that I\u2019m breastfeeding. In any case, for a long time now my libido has been non-existent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Overall, I can’t trust him anymore. I know how easily he lies even when he looks you straight in the eye.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He’s very volatile; winds up easily; his emotions often go off the charts, like a kid. Right now, my child is in his three-year-old crisis, and it looks very similar to my husband\u2019s behavior. It feels like my husband never fully left that period, and his family is the same \u2013 they can’t handle their emotions and always resent each other. And, yes, my husband has a tough time putting up with our son\u2019s childish tantrums; it\u2019s like he turns off his whole brain at once and goes mad. And it\u2019s becoming more and more difficult for me to help my child with his emotional distress, and my husband at the same time, so that he doesn\u2019t add oil to the fire, and doesn\u2019t start hysterics of his own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He\u2019s also addicted to his phone. He\u2019s almost always on it \u2013 on social networks. He likes to watch videos there.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He has some good qualities, too. He admits his faults, he\u2019s not afraid of household things like needing to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner with three courses. (I can\u2019t stand cooking, and now we have to cook for the kids), and he likes to eat good food. I breastfed my eldest for a long time (he was never against it) and my eldest still sleeps in the same bed as me. My husband doesn\u2019t really like the idea of sleeping with kids in the same bed, but he just nags me about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don’t know what to do. Divorce? If so, I’ll definitely go to Russia and take the kids. This country is far from Russia; it’s expensive to fly to and takes ages. And I can\u2019t just fly back on the weekend, I don’t really want to deprive my children of their father. And it feels like there’s no reason for that now \u2013 he’s trying to change. It’s like I\u2019m going to ruin a family all of a sudden. Well, that’s understandable, it’s scary. I\u2019ll return and I\u2019ll be out of work, out of money, naked and alone with two little kids. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I stay? It feels like I\u2019m in a swamp and it\u2019s pulling me in more and more.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hello, I.!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ll answer you following what you\u2019ve written.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHello! I’m 33 years old, married for 7 years, and I have two kids.\u00a0<\/em> My husband is a foreigner. We live in his country. I don’t have an official job, I work freelance with Russia. Doing this with kids is quite problematic, so I don\u2019t actively seek customers. A job comes along \u2013 I never decline.<\/em> About three years ago, I found out about my husband’s affair. It probably never made it to the bedroom, but that\u2019s not so important. He swore to God it wouldn’t happen again. I believed it. When I got pregnant with my second child, I found out he wanted to get back together with the same lady.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In general, judging from your letter, your relationship with your husband is not very close. I mean, it\u2019s definitely worth considering working on the relationship and, as an option, you can consider family psychotherapy.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Something important that needs to be thought about right now is;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n