{"id":5912,"date":"2021-07-13T19:04:16","date_gmt":"2021-07-13T19:04:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=5912"},"modified":"2021-07-13T19:04:16","modified_gmt":"2021-07-13T19:04:16","slug":"restoring-trust","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/en\/restoring-trust\/","title":{"rendered":"Restoring trust"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Let’s immediately let go of the illusion that if you are attentive, responsible, and understand people well then you will never encounter betrayal in your life. No. People are not perfect, not at all! They can hurt you, cause emotional pain, choose other people, etc. This is why we are not going to set a goal to always avoid emotional pain. Instead, we need to learn to accept all possible risks and not to try to avoid any possibility of betrayal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be vulnerable and defenseless is very scary \u2013 it means leading your life at the junction of joy and possible pain. But only this approach allows you to find someone who really deserves your trust. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Very often we talk about restoring trust when we talk about relationships with someone very close \u2013 your friends or your loved ones. Any relationship has a set of unspoken rules \u2013 not to cheat, not to lie. But often, in addition to common standards, people add demands that are not that obvious for their partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lillian was very mad when her boyfriend Greg danced at a party with another woman. She said that she lost her trust forever, it will not be possible to restore it. Greg was quite puzzled and annoyed \u2013 \u201cHave we ever discussed that I cannot dance with other women? It\u2019s not like I slept with her!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Kathy noticed that her new boyfriend Steve is \u201clooking too closely\u201d at a waitress, she immediately concluded that \u201che is unreliable and cannot be trusted\u201d. But Steve simply has eyes, and this is his only fault. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Any potential rules need to be discussed with your partner. Otherwise, you are risking to lose a relationship that has a good chance. We are all different. Your expectations are not written on your forehead. Your partner cannot read your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If the trust is really lost (this may happen due to many reasons) it is not easy to restore it. But it is possible \u2013 only if the party who was hurt will not take on the role of a judge condescendingly watching the attempts of the «guilty one».<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the trust is lost \u2013 it is a two-way street. You can only restore it by combining mutual efforts. There is no other way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Therefore, it makes sense to start by changing the context from \u201chow do we restore trust\u201d to \u201cwhat should we do with our relationship where trust no longer exists\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is very important: if one party will continue blaming the other, even if there are good reasons for it, there is no chance of restoring trust. In this case, the relationship will turn into a tug of war: on one side — \u201cyou are not trying hard enough\u201d, while on the other \u2013 \u201cwhat else do you need, I already said sorry a hundred times\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Isabelle and Matthew are experiencing a big crisis. They have been married for ten years. During this time they lost close contact and stopped listening to each other. You could say they lived good but separate lives. Matthew was working, building a house, and spending his free time away from home. Isabelle also worked a lot. During the last two years, sex almost disappeared, they stopped paying attention to each other, having dinners together, and all other things that made them a husband and wife. Isabelle felt sad and tried to return the things that they\u2019ve lost, but Matthew didn\u2019t reciprocate. Then, at work, Isabelle met a new colleague Andrew who started paying attention to her. She didn\u2019t notice how she fell in love with him. A new relationship started where she felt things that were long gone from her life \u2013 that she was needed, that someone was interested in her and her desires. Isabelle and Matthew split. They lived apart for half a year. Then, they decided to get back together and try again. Matthew said that he understood many things, and Isabelle missed her loved one. But he just could not let go of the fact that Isabelle had a relationship with another man. At every opportunity, he would remind her that he \u201cforgave\u201d her, but she \u201cdoesn\u2019t feel enough remorse\u201d. Isabelle tried to remind him that they decided to begin everything \u201cfrom scratch\u201d, but Matthew could only stay quiet for a couple of days. Isabelle got tired of justifying herself and this is how the couple decided to see a psychologist.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can you return the trust that has been lost? Yes, if you are patient and if both partners are ready to work on it equally.
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