{"id":10247,"date":"2022-01-27T16:09:31","date_gmt":"2022-01-27T16:09:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=10247"},"modified":"2022-01-27T16:09:31","modified_gmt":"2022-01-27T16:09:31","slug":"resentment-when-is-it-appropriate-and-when-manipulation%ef%bf%bc","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/resentment-when-is-it-appropriate-and-when-manipulation%ef%bf%bc\/","title":{"rendered":"Resentment \u2013 when is it appropriate and when manipulation?"},"content":{"rendered":"
Mindspa is the #1 self-therapy app for your mental wellbeing. Safe, effective and easy to use!<\/b> Download it here<\/u><\/a><\/small><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Probably no other feeling gets devalued as often as resentment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh poor you, do you feel hurt? I didn\u2019t know you are so sensitive! Can\u2019t even say anything to you!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYour resentment is your problem!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, the context of resentment can be different. And it would be good to learn to distinguish between resentment that has a real basis from toxic and manipulative resentment, designed to adjust the world to the person\u2019s expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cExpectations\u201d, by the way, is the key word here because resentment is born exactly when our expectations diverge from what is happening. It would be nice to start with the analysis of the expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We all know very well that people are not supposed to meet someone else\u2019s expectations. But this applies only when, for example, there are no previous agreements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alesha and Jordan have been married for about a year when Alesha found out that Jordan has been having an affair with a colleague. Jordan said that it is not his problem that she was expecting fidelity from him. He is simply not into monogamous relationships. And Alesha recalled how they were giving wedding vows and his promises that she would be the only one for him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is resentment appropriate in this case? Yes. Just like feeling hurt, angry, and disappointed. It is obvious that the previous agreement has not been honored. Alesha had the right to expect loyalty from Jordan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But let\u2019s take Maria, for example. She expects to be the center of the universe: rules do not apply to her. Therefore, she does not return the money that she borrows and can offend a friend with a rude remark \u2013 it is not her fault that the friend feels hurt. The friend\u2019s feelings are not her responsibility, are they?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, they are \u2013 in this case. If she violates someone\u2019s boundaries, then she should expect that the person will resent that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In our course \u201cMind cleaning\u201d we describe the following story:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Resentment is a container for many feelings. Usually, it consists of anger, fear, and guilt. How does it work? This is how.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alice works in the same office with a more senior colleague Naomi. Naomi behaves interestingly. For example, she may take Alice\u2019s things without permission (even her drinking cup). She may assign her tasks to Alice, \u201cforget\u201d to inform her about important decisions, take credit for Alice\u2019s successes, and blame her for all the failures in front of the management.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Browse through our courses<\/u><\/a> and see the positive changes they can bring to your life.<\/p>\n

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And then, Alice feels anger but cannot express it (there is an internal taboo). She fears that if she says something, it may even get worse \u2013 Naomi has been working in this company for a long time, and Alice \u2013 just one year. And she feels guilty \u2013 \u201cwhat if I really did something wrong?\u201d All these feelings, with anger being the main component, are called resentment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Therefore, it is impossible to work only on resentment. First, you need to disassemble it into its parts, and then do something with each of them. For a start, at least admit that they exist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, expectations, if they do not violate the boundaries of other people, are normal — because we live in society and are part of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when is resentment inappropriate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25cb When it replaces another feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jessica\u2019s habitual state at work is resentment and frustration. Because she is a «good girl», and good girls, as we remember, do not get angry, she has developed a habit of feeling resentment. In a situation where a colleague takes credit for her achievements, she also feels resentment. Although the right feeling would be to get angry and put him in place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25cb When it is manipulation: the person acts offended to gain something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Roy behaves somehow «wrongly» (forgets to buy flowers and gifts, does not wash his plate after dinner, casts a long glance at a waitress), his wife Carrie purses her lips meaningfully and… falls silent. The second act of the play titled «Guess why I am upset\u201d begins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What to do about resentment if it is legitimate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Work on it by yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25cb Accept that this feeling is legitimate: \u201cI have the right to feel hurt because\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25cb Think about the root cause of the resentment and what can be done about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25cb Analyze if you can influence the current situation and make yourself feel better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Discuss this issue with the person who is involved in the situation that is causing resentment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25cb Discuss your expectations and why they exist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25cb Use I-messages to clearly and without escalations convey your thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hiding from your feelings is not an effective way to deal with them. They need to be analyzed and worked on. Try it \u2013 you will succeed!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/br>

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<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Probably no other feeling gets devalued as often as resentment. \u201cOh poor you, do you feel hurt? I didn\u2019t know you are so sensitive! Can\u2019t even say anything to you!\u201d \u201cYour resentment is your problem!\u201d Meanwhile, the context of resentment can be different. And it would be good to learn to distinguish between resentment that… Leer m\u00e1s »Resentment \u2013 when is it appropriate and when manipulation?<\/span><\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":10246,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[21,34,94,550,554,647,883,1167,1182],"class_list":["post-10247","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-eng","tag-abuse","tag-addiction","tag-anger","tag-fear","tag-feelings","tag-handling","tag-mindspa","tag-relation","tag-resentment"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10247","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10247"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10247\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10246"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10247"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10247"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10247"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}