{"id":5492,"date":"2021-04-12T09:43:06","date_gmt":"2021-04-12T09:43:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=5492"},"modified":"2021-04-12T09:43:06","modified_gmt":"2021-04-12T09:43:06","slug":"my-partner-can-be-so-different","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/my-partner-can-be-so-different\/","title":{"rendered":"My partner can be so different!"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Today in our \u201cDear Therapist<\/strong>\u201d column we have a letter about an ambivalent relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is when your partner is sometimes the most wonderful person, and sometimes \u2013 the most horrible one. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood evening! To begin with, I want to thank you for reading my letter. If you will be able to answer me \u2013 I will be very happy. Thank<\/strong> you<\/strong>!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hello. I will reply to your letter paragraph by paragraph. First, I want to say that I didn\u2019t choose your letter by chance. I chose it because it gives a clear example of how codependency works and how it appears in your communication with us. But let\u2019s not get ahead of ourselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI recognized myself in the case \u201cWe can\u2019t be together, and we can\u2019t be apart\u201d, even though our situation is different. But my partner is sometimes a honey-bunny and sometimes a \u201cbadboy\u201d. \u201c Partial perception, it is necessary to erase the boundaries\u201d <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t quite understand where you got this quote and how it is relevant to your letter. But judging by the words you chose to describe your man, I can tell that you see him not as an adult person, not as your partner, and definitely not as a person whom you respect. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA very explosive, I would even say a bipolar man. His mood can change dramatically at the drop of a dime.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I immediately want to ask you on what basis, based on what symptoms, and most importantly, based on what medical qualifications have you diagnosed your partner with \u201cbipolar disorder\u201d? This is a serious illness, even though there are effective treatments for it. This illness has many different symptoms. Only psychiatrists can diagnose it.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy main problem now is that he thinks that everything is my fault. Our dog stole food from the table (she does it often): \u201cit is your fault: you shouldn\u2019t have left it in the open\u201d. I poured milk from a carton into a mug for storing it. Later, he spilled the milk from the mug \u2013 \u201cyou are such a dumb idiot, what for did you put the milk into the mug?\u201d Yesterday I got rear-ended by a motorcycle: \u201cwhy on earth would you take that route \u2013 it is dangerous! It\u2019s all your fault\u201d. Etc.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No doubt, this is a very unpleasant and toxic form of communication. While he communicates with you like this, it is impossible for you to feel good. And it is impossible to build a healthy relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou tell me \u2013 why do I need all of this??? <\/em> Tyrant<\/strong>—victim<\/strong>. A textbook example.  <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I have never been a victim with men!!! Right the opposite. But with him \u2013 everything is upside down. I get compliments and attention from men all the time. Sorry, I am not trying to brag \u2013 but I am good looking and quite successful!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The dynamics of tyrant-victim has one curious tendency \u2013 it is flexible. There is one simple explanation: every sadist has some masochistic traits, and every masochist has some sadistic traits. Sometimes, they may switch roles in the context of the same relationship. Or it can be like in your case: you used to scoff at everyone, and now your partner scoffs at you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The main problem is that in general, your pattern of relationships, the way you view them, is deformed. According to you, someone must be on top and someone \u2013 below. You don\u2019t know how to build an equal partnership. And by the way, you are actively trying to humiliate this man, whom you consider a tyrant.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Regarding the fact that you are beautiful and successful \u2013 it doesn\u2019t matter. We don\u2019t use beauty and success to build relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt is as if there are two men in him: one is cold and despotic, and the other one (the reason why I don\u2019t leave) is very attentive, loving, and tells me that he doesn\u2019t want to lose me. Such a dualism. He is a Gemini. Such a rollercoaster.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Both these parts are your man. And you need to accept the fact that one part doesn\u2019t exist without the other. For now, you are thinking in terms of flat images. But your goal is to see your partner as a multifaceted 3D image. All of this is one man. Then you will be able to make more rational decisions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

With regards to the zodiac signs \u2013 this is one more favorite story of codependent people. They use the zodiac signs to explain everything. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis is classic gaslighting: <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n