{"id":8530,"date":"2021-09-22T14:15:45","date_gmt":"2021-09-22T14:15:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=8530"},"modified":"2023-11-30T23:22:04","modified_gmt":"2023-11-30T23:22:04","slug":"my-mom-is-a-toxic-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/my-mom-is-a-toxic-person\/","title":{"rendered":"My mom is a toxic person"},"content":{"rendered":"
Mindspa is the #1 self-therapy app for your mental wellbeing. Safe, effective and easy to use!<\/b> Download it here<\/u><\/a><\/small><\/div>\n\n\n
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Since childhood, various so-called «truths» have been put into our heads.  We may live a very long time (sometimes all our lives) and not doubt them. One of these unshakable opinions: you shouldn’t be angry with your parents and you have to endure everything, otherwise you automatically become an ungrateful, \u201cbad\u201d person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But now you are an adult and discover that your mom is not always right, that she actively interferes in your life and establishes her own rules there. After communicating with her you feel deeply unhappy, stupid, irritated, and de-energized as if your whole life energy leaked down the drain… And it happens every time. But this is your mother … You can’t stop communicating with her and exclude her from your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or\u2026 can you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s first quickly go over the main signs of toxic behaviors that people may experience from their mothers:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25b8 Passive aggression (sarcasm, irony, mocking, discounting).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

«Oh, look how you dressed up!», «And why are you always crying because of all this nonsense?», «All your women, of course …»<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25b8 Manipulations by guilting and shaming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you go there I will have a heart attack\u201d, \u201cWhat will people say? How will I look neighbors in the eye if you shave your hair?\u201d, \u201cBecause of you, my health has gone bad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25b8 Punishing by using silence, stonewalling as a reaction to the \u201cwrong\u201d behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you don\u2019t call she will get upset. If you refuse to have dinner \u2013 she will not talk to you. If you reject her proposal she will give you a silent treatment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25b8 Total control: attempts to interfere in your life and impose her rules.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou should marry Peter. He is a good guy, who cares what you want!\u201d, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhere are you going? With whom? Do you sleep with her (him)? Tell him (her) \u2026\u201d, \u201cYou will go study economics. It is time to give up your frivolous dancing!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25b8 Violating your boundaries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moving your things, calling your partner and lecturing them how they should behave, checking your phone, constantly commenting about your friends, partners, your appearance, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25b8 Comments and opinions about how you should behave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDo not look sad, you should always be joyful\u201d, \u201cWhy such a sour face?\u201d, \u201cNo reason to bring your mood here\u201d, \u201cDo not reject my ideas\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u25b8 Insults, expressing disappointment in you and your behavior or way of life, threats, negative predictions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou are going to remain single forever!\u201d, \u201cWho needs you?\u201d, \u201cYou are ugly and fat \u2013 it is time to start paying attention to your appearance\u201d, \u201cI thought you would become a doctor, but you are p\u043ecking at other people\u2019s nails\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

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What can you do if your mom is a toxic person?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. <\/strong>Communicate with her as little as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. <\/strong>Build boundaries in a new way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is very difficult to do on your own, and it is better to consult a psychologist to learn to feel your boundaries and how to adequately build them. Don’t let your mom go where you don\u2019t want her: \u201cNo, I won\u2019t give the keys to my apartment, but you can come to visit me next week\u201d, \u201cMom, I will call you twice a week, on Wednesday and Saturday, the rest of the time you can write to me in WhatsApp. » «Please do not come without warning, I may not be at home.»<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3.<\/strong> Do not get involved in a showdown, shouting, and open conflicts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is a waste of your energy and resources. Try to speak calmly, respectfully, and act consistently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4.<\/strong> If your mom violates agreements leave the physical space or stop the contact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mariah had an agreement with her mom that she will no longer try to discuss Mariah\u2019s personal life and the fact that she needs to urgently get married and have children. As soon as her mom in a telephone conversation tries to latch onto her favorite topic, Mariah warns once, and at the second try she says goodbye: \u201cMom, I understand that you want to talk about that, but I don\u2019t. Let’s call each other tomorrow. Hugs». And hangs up. Since mom still wants to communicate with Mariah, after two such interruptions, she understood and stopped raising unwanted topics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. <\/strong>It is not your fault<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remind yourself that your mom\u2019s toxicity is her problem, not yours. You cannot influence her and it is not your fault that she behaves this way. Even if you do EVERYTHING the way she wants, she will still act in a toxic manner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. <\/strong>Do not be afraid to make her unhappy (disappoint, cause her illness) by saying \u201cno\u201d to something, expressing your opinion, or rejecting her proposal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Upset Caroline says to her psychologist: \u201cMy mother wishes me well, she\u2019s not bad. And she does it for me. I don’t want to disappoint her. «<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Causing goodness is also toxicity. Things that you ask for — are for you. Everything else the person does for herself. If you ask her to make you a cake, it is for you. But if you are on a diet and your mother is crying because you refuse one more piece and, therefore, you don\u2019t love her, this is manipulation. If you go on a date instead of coming to the family dinner and your mom’s blood pressure rises, that’s also manipulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You cannot be the reason for the bad emotional state of another person. Everyone is responsible for themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. <\/strong>It is not your duty to make your mom happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can write it as a note on your phone and read it aloud whenever you feel like your mom’s \u201cemotional bulldozer\u201d is rolling over you. You love your mom, but you cannot allow her to live your life and dictate what you must do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fact that you are trying to protect your psycho-emotional health is a vital necessity. It is your duty to yourself and it doesn\u2019t make you a bad daughter or a bad son. Sometimes, toxic parents change when they understand that they are losing their children and it is their own doing. But if this doesn\u2019t happen \u2013 it is not your fault.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/br>

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Since childhood, various so-called «truths» have been put into our heads.  We may live a very long time (sometimes all our lives) and not doubt them. One of these unshakable opinions: you shouldn’t be angry with your parents and you have to endure everything, otherwise you automatically become an ungrateful, \u201cbad\u201d person. But now you… Leer m\u00e1s »My mom is a toxic person<\/span><\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8528,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[392,397,543,804,883,991,1494],"class_list":["post-8530","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-eng","tag-dependence","tag-depression","tag-family","tag-loneliness","tag-mindspa","tag-parents","tag-violence"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8530","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8530"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8530\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8528"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8530"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8530"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8530"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}