{"id":5379,"date":"2021-03-18T16:26:51","date_gmt":"2021-03-18T16:26:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=5379"},"modified":"2021-03-18T16:26:51","modified_gmt":"2021-03-18T16:26:51","slug":"he-doesnt-want-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/he-doesnt-want-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"He doesn\u2019t want sex\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Today, in our \u201cDear Therapist\u201d<\/strong> column we have a story about the partners who have different levels of sexual desire.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPlease help me figure this out.<\/strong> My situation seems banal at first glance, but I was not able to find a solution for it.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hello! To begin with, your story is not banal. Banal problems, in general, don\u2019t exist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI have a domestic partner. He is 38, I am 33, and we have been together for 2 years. As a life partner, he is perfect for me! I was pleasantly surprised how similar our views on life are, our plans for the future, our views on the relationships. And I have a feeling that this is \u201cmy\u201d man.\u201d\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is great and wonderful. I am glad that you have such a good basis for your relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut the problem is that our sex life became non-existent! I was trying to find out the reason \u2013 but he says that it doesn\u2019t mean anything. It doesn\u2019t\u2019 mean that something is wrong with our relationship. He doesn\u2019t want it right now, and that\u2019s that.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, it happens sometimes. People\u2019s sexual desire can sometimes get lower due to different reasons. It may be due to stress, some personal crisis, burnout, or health issues. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, sometimes it happens that a person simply doesn\u2019t want sex. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd he also blames it on \u201cage\u201d. But, seriously? 38 is not \u201cage\u201d. 38 is not 70!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And here is the slippery slope: you are trying to decide for another person what age is appropriate for them to have less sexual desire (and this may be temporary, mind you). This is not very fair to him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI even asked him whether everything is good with his health. He says \u2013 yes. He doesn\u2019t hide his health issues from me. I asked whether he has someone else \u2013 he says no. And he spends most of his free time at home.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I mentioned above, people\u2019s sexual desires can depend on many factors. Yes, there is this stereotype about men that they are always \u201cready\u201d. And if not, then it means that he is impotent, or is sleeping with someone else. You know, these are very narrow-minded arguments. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe is a phlegmatic and even lazy person. I could assume that the matter is different temperaments — but after all, everything was good before and everything suited me! <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It would be nice to know if he was happy before… This is the first. Second. When our relationship is just beginning, the level of desire is always higher than in a calm, well-established phase. » <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is quite possible that you have different temperaments.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps, you haven\u2019t considered this possibility. From your letter, I can tell that you don\u2019t have a lot of knowledge about sex and sexuality. It would be helpful for you to read some books or articles on this topic. Make sure that the authors are credible sexologists. Do not read various crap like \u201cwhat to do to make a man always want me\u201d.  <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI take care of myself. I am not ugly. I haven\u2019t gained weight \u2013 nothing.\u201d\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I stated above \u2013 this may have nothing to do with you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe also has this strange trait \u2013 he doesn\u2019t like it when I touch him in the morning. When I am trying to take initiative in my hands, he gets upset that I woke him up. He lectures me \u2013 even a cat doesn\u2019t always like being squeezed! So, \u201ctraditional methods\u201d don\u2019t work in my case.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t quite get it why you call this a \u201cstrange trait\u201d. Why did you choose these words? As if your partner is not quite normal? As if he is somewhat foolish? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I will be honest. I don\u2019t quite like the format of your letter, the way you talk about your problem and your actions. Because I get the impression that you are expecting your partner to conform to your own sexual expectations, that you define as correct. But you forget that the target of your desire and your, to be honest, pressure \u2013 is a live person. He has his own processes, his own temperament, his own desires. And now it turns out that his preferences are strange. It seems unfair. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI really want sex. I am at the peak of my sexuality. And I feel that the \u201cage\u201d will not happen to me in the next 150 years )))))) But I am very firm \u2013 I don\u2019t want to cheat on him. I don\u2019t want to lose a person who is likeminded, who supports me, and who is my life partner in the best sense of this word. Besides, we made a promise \u2013 no sex on the side. I am in a total agreement with that.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, to start with, you need to accept one simple fact: your man doesn\u2019t want as much sex as you do. Together with him, you need to look for options. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If not in the morning, maybe in the evening, for example. If not full-blown sexual intercourse, then perhaps he can do something else to satisfy you. Etc. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPlease help me understand, what is happening, really? What should I do with this? How can I change something in this situation? How can I have a conversation about it?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You need to talk about it, discuss it, and look for different options. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I tell him outright \u2013 then it will not be spontaneous and romantic. I don\u2019t want him to see it as a \u201cconjugal duty\u201d.\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, don\u2019t approach it as \u201cyou must fuck me five times per week, and if you don\u2019t — it means that you are strange and sick\u201d. Then, most likely, he will not see your request as a \u201cduty\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You should talk about it as soon as possible. Your message should not be \u201cgive me!\u201d. It should be \u201cI would like to have more sex and more often. Let\u2019s think about how we can address my desire and your needs as well.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAt the same time, I am not a big fan of being vague \u2013 this will only complicate the situation.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be honest, vagueness simply destroys relationships. Therefore, it is good that you are not planning to act in this way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To summarize:\u00a0
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