{"id":5414,"date":"2021-03-28T15:58:49","date_gmt":"2021-03-28T15:58:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mindspa.me\/?p=5414"},"modified":"2021-03-28T15:58:49","modified_gmt":"2021-03-28T15:58:49","slug":"what-about-a-gaslighting-aggressor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/what-about-a-gaslighting-aggressor\/","title":{"rendered":"What about a gaslighting aggressor?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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As in the case of abuse (it\u2019s quite difficult to separate one from the other, because the lines can be quite blurry), gaslighters often apply to other people what they themselves have once experienced in one way or another, or have observed within their family. Aggressors might have different reasons for what they do \u2013 conscious and subconscious, obvious and less so.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Julianna grew up in a family where nobody cared about her value as a person. Parents took care of their lives: they\u2019d get together, split up, tug Julianna between them like a rope, each trying to win her over to their side in order to have an advantage in the conflict. Julianna desperately needed attention and support and caught the breadcrumbs wherever she could. At school, she once faked a faint, and the teacher felt sorry for her and began to care for her much more than for others, sometimes braiding her hair and having \u201cheart to heart<\/strong>\u201d chats after class. Julianna began to \u201cget sick<\/strong>\u201d quite often in order to receive her dose of care. When she got a boyfriend, Julianna went crazy with anxiety, afraid to lose him, and used the usual methods. If he tried to go about his business, she accused him of not paying attention to her, \u201cfainted<\/strong>\u201d from the frustration, not forgetting later to say that this was all happening to her because of him. When her boyfriend received a grant for an internship abroad, Julianna went to the hospital with a nervous breakdown, and wrote him a letter in which she threatened that if he left, she would take all her pills, for it was impossible for her to live without him for half a year.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is delicate Julianna an aggressor?<\/strong> Absolutely. However, she’s far from aware of the destructiveness of her actions and believes that this way she\u2019s «fighting for her love<\/strong>.» Self-assertion is another prevailing motive of the gaslighting aggressor. It\u2019s as though he\u2019s rising above the victim, creating this alternative reality for her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the very start of Ali\u2019s and Dennis\u2019 relationship, Dennis would literally wrap Ali in his love and attention. A huge number of compliments, confessions \u2013 he expressed the need to be near her with his entire self. Ali got used to feeling like the literal center of the universe. And then the source of endless admiration and adoration has dried up. Dennis pulled away, became cold and indifferent, and Ali was ready for almost anything to become his \u201cladylove<\/strong>\u201d again. And Dennis «rationed<\/strong>» his explanation to her about «what the problem is.» It turned out that Ali should lose weight and pump up — she herself should understand that such hips are unacceptable for a ladylove, and it goes beyond all the acceptable limits, in which a lady should be eating like a bird. And he, Dennis, wants to adore her again so badly! Ali must watch her speech, some common expressions \u201cslip through<\/strong>\u201d which make Dennis\u2019 sophisticated face twitch: \u201cIt\u2019s like you\u2019re some hillbilly, really.\u201d Dennis would explain in layman\u2019s terms that the problem wasn\u2019t with him, but with Ali, and when she tried to share with him the responsibility for the relationship, she received a sad look and a sigh in response, \u201cHoney, you see, you\u2019re not seeing things properly. Look how hard I work for us! And you\u2019re ruining everything, and it\u2019s so sad … «<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dennis gradually <\/strong>gained almost unlimited control over Ali. Her desire to be loved by him became his weapon, and he endlessly asserts himself,  explaining her \u201cmistakes\u201d to her time after time, and at the same time fancying himself a do-gooder, because he\u2019s educating her, and even saving Ali from her imperfections, making her better. Like Pygmalion, you know \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes the aggressor receives real benefits, which can be translated into material values. For example, getting ownership of an apartment, while the victim unquestioningly complies with all the conditions and is not indignant. One way or another, the gaslighter paints a picture in which they\u2019re beautiful, smart, strong, and the victim is the opposite: stupid, clueless, in a word — bad. And against this background, they, of course, are even more dazzling. Or like Julianna, the aggressor is weak and helpless, and his victim is cruel and tries to harm them with his actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, this is what a gaslighter does in relationships:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

— makes you look bad and does so quite masterfully. People around you, and even you yourself can be thinking that this is just\u2026 the truth and a form of caring;<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— changes the conversation topics uncomfortable for them; for example, in response to a comment that they haven\u2019t worked for six months, they answer: \u201cI have to stay home, look how bad of a job you do looking after the children!\u201d Do you remember how last month our daughter split her lip because of you?\u201d;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

— understates and devalues (\u201cWell, you just can\u2019t be so sensitive\u201d, \u201cIt only seems that way to you\u201d, \u201cYou\u2019re overthinking as usual\u201d, \u201cand it wasn\u2019t offensive at all, you just react inappropriately\u201d);<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

— denies and avoids (I can\u2019t remember such a thing, you made it up\u201d, \u201c You’re lying, I never said that\u201d, \u201c I don\u2019t understand you at all now! \u201d, \u201c God, do you even hear yourself? \u201d<\/em>;<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 — distorts, changes, literally flips everything the other way around, and now you feel stupid, because everything was completely different (I didn\u2019t hit you, how can you say that! I just touched you with your hand, and you fell \u201d, \u201cIf you If you remember the situation, you\u2019ll understand that I was just trying to help you, and, as usual, I got \u201craked\u201d for it …)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If there\u2019s a feeling that you\u2019re looking through a distorted looking-glass, and you feel that your feelings are too much at odds with what they\u2019re saying, it makes sense to carefully analyze your relationships and what\u2019s happening in it. This isn\u2019t easy, because at a certain stage it\u2019s already difficult to trust your feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n

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<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As in the case of abuse (it\u2019s quite difficult to separate one from the other, because the lines can be quite blurry), gaslighters often apply to other people what they themselves have once experienced in one way or another, or have observed within their family. Aggressors might have different reasons for what they do \u2013… Leggi tutto »What about a gaslighting aggressor?<\/span><\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5415,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2,5],"tags":[59,550,605,808,883,1494],"class_list":["post-5414","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-eng","category-mental-health","tag-aggressor","tag-fear","tag-gaslighting","tag-love","tag-mindspa","tag-violence"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5414","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5414"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5414\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5415"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5414"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5414"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindspa-dev.ru\/it\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5414"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}